Well here we go again, another summer of discontent. 89 hapless hopefuls crammed into Elstree Studios in the last ditch hope of getting celebrity Z status by entering the clearly insane world of Big Brother. I must say my first reaction was one of repelled horror and anger that I was forced into watching this pile of horse shite for another year.
My anxiety fuelled anger was not helped by that discordant circus music. I was attacked once by a circus midget called Samantha, who to top it off was ginger as well, so I have a phobia of circus folk. There’s a medical term for that phobia called coulrophobia, fear of circus clowns. I also have Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia so watching that lesbian Spammy going into the house doubled my panic.
So lets first start by me asserting my independence and stating that Big Brother is the reason why I wish to get off this crazy thing called life and live in a remote farmhouse with 2 cats, my little husband-to-be, 2 goats, a kilo of lentils and 28 egg-producing chickens. This kind of reality show personifies all that is wrong with our world at large, so I am writing this under duress for my best friend, who doubles as a dominatrix, and is scary when crossed.
Now that you know I am morally against this show, and fear again that my I.Q will drop, as it does during every BB summer. (They should have a normal I.Q rating and an “Its summer it’s BB” rating.) I will carry on, as the show must go on.
Okay, let’s get down to the nitty gritty shall we. Davina said it wasn’t fixed, so any conspiracy theory should stop here, BUT, that mole outfit that Mario had to wear as he was “randomly picked” would not have fit some of the larger wannabees waiting on that red carpet, so that is all I am saying…..Did man reach the moon, possibly, but we don’t know for sure do we?
I was hoping that, as it is the last series, BB would pick some people with a bit more upstairs, but again, we have the stereotypical excrement that believes we actually want to sit and watch them for 13 weeks. Josie, first in, screamed the whole way down the steps, and kept going; it was at this point that I knew I wanted to lose the will to live. I’m with the Army guy with no legs, at least he’s different. I myself would have to actually have my legs cut off, to enable that I was forced to stay in my house and watch this drivel.
So we have a Katie Price lookalikey, a beyonce lookalikey, a bloke with no legs and one eye, a Etonian with a serious chaste attitude, a stupid giggling fat priest, who wouldn’t know Gods love, if it flew up his arse with 2 angels and a cherub holding onto the Holy Grail. The Monk is mad, but psychotic mad, there’s nothing funny about that…think Lucas in Eastenders, and you get my drift.
The lesbian, spam-a-lot claims to get a lot of Punani, I thought yeah right, the only way you could get lots of Punani, was in a graveyard, as it would have to be dead to want to go near that. What an embarrassment to the community. A film maker, which means she walks about with a camcorder in Camden trying to be cool. Get a fucking job and pay rent like the rest of us, and the clockwork orange outfit just made you look like the spoilt, trust fund baby, that needs to grow up. She is a suppurating vaginal wart on the fanny of Mama Cass’s half eaten sandwich, I hope she gets booted out into a large vat of Punani juice that has sat in the sun for 28 days in sweltering heat, then lets see how Lesbian she really is.
I was hoping salvation would come, but it didn’t, it just got worse. The Aussie who thought he was so different because he was from Australia…Does he not know that earls Court and Putney is basically the Ayres Rock of London, the place is swarming with Blonde Aussie men who think they are gods gift to women. I blame that film Crocodile Dundee for an entire antipodal delusion. John James, we have had Aussies here from the beginning of time, there isn’t nothing unique about you!
Next person on the hit list is Ify, a middle class woman who was given to a white family at 7 weeks old??? I found that all very odd, but not as odd as the fact that she thinks she is now owed a dancing career. And then she started singing, it was that cringe worthy moment, when as the watching public we realise, that they will do anything to get publicity.
Caoimha pronounced Keeva, which is like Mrs Bouquet actually being called Bucket, all the hype and no substance. She flirts with men and women, thinks she is stunning, and turns heads at every corner! I knew they were going to pick her; she has that whole arrogance thing going on that Big brother seems to love, yet the voting public seem to hate. I didn’t think she was that special, seen one brunette Irish girl, seen ‘em all. I can see her, when she realises the public hate her, turning all Catholic and Nun like, to sway the middle class voters…..oh hang on, that’s right there aren’t any middle class voters, just teenage girls and gay men texting 20,000 times each Friday. Anyways back to Keeva, she will be wearing Rosary beads and hanging out with the Fat Monk as soon as you can say Double eviction. Talking of Rosary beads, what’s the deal with Wayne Rooney?? Has he found God? Or the Virgin Mary? Oh no that’s right Coleen’s Great Grandma is Catholic, he must be shagging her.
Gonad, oops sorry I mean Govan, seemed okay, he will be eaten alive in there, just what we need though, another Kamil, a gay bitchy queen, it will all be about Dahling this and Petal that.
Sunshine, the Med student who staples crystals to everything, including her Labia, isn’t even worth my time, we need more doctors from the UK in this country, please Sunshine, go back finish you’re cadaver training and join the crippled NHS, far more worthy cause than the list of BB so called celebs that have fallen into obscurity, but desperately cling to the hope they will recreate their five false moments of quasi-fame.
If I have missed anyone out of this list please send any comments on a postcard to:
Queer fairy BB hotline
I don’t give a shit lane
Asshole Common
BB sh 1Te
TTFN BBBL
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
